EGGS FINALE

In the morning, Kinder Egg was over. All 150 have been opened. Now, it is time to review.

GROUP SHOT:

This is a really large picture. Click on it to see it full size and drag around and inspect toys.

I love these toys. They're odd, intricate, and have instructions written in a language I can't understand. None of them are based on anything else, like a movie or TV show, as far as I know, but just series of toys that toy designers came up with, and then made them fit inside of little capsules to be covered in chocolate. However, when you have 150 of them, they're not all going to be great. So, before I list the top ten best, here are...

TOP 3 WORST KINDER EGG TOY COUNTDOWN

#3: WHIRLY ANIMAL THINGS

Germans are supposed to be pretty good at engineering, but apparently their designs did not take into account that a thin piece of paper folded into wings don't actually allow a piece of plastic to fly. The instructions show a kid throwing them and the ears spinning, where the rhino/elephant would presumably slowly land on the ground. Unsurprisingly, he just plummets. At least he works as just a boring figurine.

#2: HANDS OF MANY NATIONS

At first they had a kind of novelty for their weirdness, but as I collected more it was a disapointment every time I opened a capsule with one in it, and I got a lot of these, as you can see. I'm not really sure what the purpose of these even are. They have a stamp inside that says "Hello" in the language spoken in the country the hand represents, but why would you want to do that. I guess if you're at the Kinder Egg United Nations you could wear this ring there to show what country you represent. They win some points for being weird so they are not the absolute worst, but still pretty shitty.

#1: SHITTY JIGSAW PUZZLES

There isn't even anything to really say about these. They are jigsaw puzzles. Part of the novelty of the Kinder Eggs is that the toy came out of a little egg inside of chocolate, and with a bunch of cardboard pieces I'm not too impressed. And part of what makes a jigsaw puzzle fun, if you're into them, is them being complicated, and these sure weren't hard. The pieces are also very flimsy and don't stick together well, I had to tape them on the back so they don't fall apart. Luckily I only got two of these.

But that is enough negativity! Now, it is time for...

TOP 10 BEST KINDER EGG TOY COUNTDOWN

#10: MASKED TRIBESMAN  

This guy is a mix between a Playmobil and a Lego, which is pretty cool. He also has two accessories so he's like an action figure. I also found out his hands can hold other stuff pretty well, like a trident that came from one of the other toys. I tend to be fond of toys that are a character more than an automobile or a weird ass hand with a flag on it or something, and this was one I liked a lot.

#9: RACIST IGLOO 

Definitely scoring points for being fucking bizarre. At first it just looks like an eskimo with an igloo, which is an okay toy, but for some insane reason the back of the igloo flips open and there is a racist buck toothed face. Probably the funniest toy out of all of them.

#8: BOY WITH GIANT SLIPPERS  

I don't know why I like this one in particular, but I do. He has a lot of character. He came with a comic in German, where he has these slippers and seems to be really proud of them, but because they are too big he trips and another guy laughs at him. I would take a picture of it but it is inside of a ziplock bag I put all of the instructions for the toys in and I'm not gonna search for it. But he is a good guy. And look how mischievous he is, with his tongue out like that.

#7: PLANT DIORAMA

This one wins points for intricacy. I don't remember exactly how many parts it was, but from looking at this photo I know it was at least seven, all snapping together to form the little scene. The pink flowers on the left can rotate if you move them, as can the sunflower's head. I like that it tells a story, and also that it suggests that snails follow a Mother Snail as if they are ducks.

#6: YAWNING TREANT

Although I've never played a table game of Dungeons & Dragons, I'm really into the idea of it and the monsters and everything, and really Dungeons & Dragons is the basis somewhere down the line of pretty much every RPG or game with mythical monsters in it. So anyway, seeing a treant in Kinder Eggs was pretty cool. Also, he's got an owl that attaches to him and he is yawning.

#5: CREEPY CLOWN

cant sleep clowns will eat me Hahaha, just a little joke for you. ;-) I really like this guy. He is put together like a Mr.Potato Head, with the capsule he came having holes in it to let you place all of the extra parts and make him into a clown. He is also really pretty creepy, which is surprising for a children's toy. Good design.

#4: DROWNING DIVER

The clown was creepy just in the way all clowns are creepy, but this one is just fucking weird. Like, who designed this? Spin the tube around and watch as a diver's helmet springs a leak and the very protective suit he is wearing to avoid the elements becomes his watery grave. Although I'm not sure what kind of diver he even is, considering he is holding a trident. Maybe he just robbed Poseidon's tomb. Also, in the middle panel he looks like the face of your guy from DOOM when he gets hurt.

#3: BENDY CAR MAN

He drives a cool car that can bend in the middle which is not how cars actually work. He has a sharp green suit. He's got a long nose. He looks like a Richard Scarry character if Richard Scarry books had humans in them. Just generally pretty great. When you take him out of the car he is just a little peg, like a game piece, and also him being put in between a slot connecting the two halves of the car is the only thing that keeps the car together.

#2: GIRAFFE

Not only impressive that he fit inside of a little egg, thanks to bendy plastic technology, but a generally cool toy. I really like his head, it is shaped really good and he's got a little eye and it looks really nice. Also, because only his legs and neck have giraffe spots it kind of looks like he's wearing a little giraffe shirt on his torso.

#1: MIGUEL

I got this guy on my first day of opening them, and he really is still my favorite. I'm kind of disappointed I never got any of the other ones in his set, because the instructions showed a guy with a drum and a guitar too. He's pretty intricate mechanically, with a rubber band at the bottom inside him so when you push his head down (which rotates his arms towards each other so it looks like he is squeezing the accordion) it will pop back up. He even has a name in the instructions. He's proudly displayed on my dresser.

WINNER'S CIRCLE:

So, those are my favorites. These will go on a shelf somewhere some day when I get a shelf, in the mean time they are hanging around near my alarm clock. As for the others...

...into the closet! I know they look like they are shoved in there haphazardly, and they are, but they were in there for a week  before I took them out for the group shot and nothing broke or anything, so do not worry about Kinder Injuries. I also kept the capsules, maybe some day I will find something to do with them.

⌐  ∩ ¬

// THANK U 4 JOINING ME ON THIS JOURNEY \\

~ ○ ~ a farewell to kinders ~ ○ ~